Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
