I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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