I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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