if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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