I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
