You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE