Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Drake has all the answers
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
