I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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