just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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