The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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