One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
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Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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