I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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