I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
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the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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