I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
