very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again