You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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