I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
