Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
