some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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