im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
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Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
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I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize