i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
