Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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