I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
