My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
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He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
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At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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