You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
