Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
