this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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