My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
third nipple confirmed
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
