I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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