some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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