I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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