I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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