i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.