You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit