I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize