I wish my penis had an off switch
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize