Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
