my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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