She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
