Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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