Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
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definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
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Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet