My hand turned me down
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.