I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE