If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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