forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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