I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
