So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
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Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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