just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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