Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.