Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
vagina is talking i cant
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.