My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
