i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
