i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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