I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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